Something that’s been bothering me recently is why I care so much about being right, especially when I get into arguments. Regardless of who I’m arguing with, whether it’s my dad or atheists or critics or even friends, if they even make the slightest of hints that I’m wrong, there is almost a sort of bloodlust within me that drives me to make sure that, in fact, they’re wrong and I’m not.

But what’s so wrong about making sure I’m right? I’m just on an honest endeavor to seek the truth and to let others know of the truth, where’s the harm in that? I would never have expected that not only can this desire to be in the right wrong, but why it can be wrong can be found in a passage I’ve probably read a hundred times:

Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written, “‘He will command his angels concerning you,’ and “‘On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus said to him, “Again it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’” -Matthew 4:5-7

This is the second of three attempts by Satan to tempt Jesus in the desert. For the longest time, I’ve always wondered why this was even a temptation. What’s so tempting about jumping off a temple? It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized that what Jesus was tempted by was the opportunity to prove himself that he was the Son of God before an audience. He was considered by many to be delusional and blasphemous by the Pharisees, and so what better way to shut them up by jumping off a temple before their very eyes and getting caught by a legion of angels?

But incredibly, he refused. It wasn’t even like Satan took the passage out of context, but had Jesus submitted to this temptation, He would have fallen for the same trick that Adam and Eve and many others had fallen for -not trusting in God. I realized that this desire to let others know that I’m right is also rooted in my lack of trust in God, not a pursuit for truth. I was just deceiving myself; it wasn’t the truth that I wanted to show to others, but my self-righteous image. I think Thomas Merton hit the nail on the head when he wrote:

We are all convinced that we desire the truth above all. Nothing strange about this. It is natural to man, an intelligent being, to seek the truth. But actually, what we desire is not “the truth” so much as to be “in the right”. What we seek is not the pure truth, but the partial truth that justifies our prejudices, our limitations, our selfishness. This is not “the truth”. It is only an argument strong to prove us “right”. Why do we want to prove them wrong? Because we need them to be wrong. For if they are wrong, then our untruth becomes truth: our selfishness becomes justice and virtue: our cruelty and lust cannot be fairly condemned.

As it says in 1 Corinthians 6:7, “Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?”. I have already been vindicated by God’s grace, so why do I care so much about my own image to others? It’s because I’m idolizing myself, making sure that my image gets all the glory rather than God . The very first devotional I wrote for this church was on hidden idols and how we may find ourselves idolizing and violating the most important commandment without realizing it. Funny how it took so long for me to realize that I was idolizing myself this whole time.

-Solomon