“I don’t want to leave the earth. I just want to leave myself!” Have you ever had such a thought?

What I mean by “leaving myself” is a disdain for the self such that I want to be someone else. “I wish I were someone else,” expresses a similar sentiment.

I think I’m past blaming everyone else for what’s wrong with me. There was a time when I thought, “If everyone around me will just shape up and change, everything will be fine!” No longer. I know the problem is with me. I am dissatisfied with myself. I don’t like who I am. I wish to get out of myself and be someone else. Or perhaps, what I’m wishing for is not to be someone else, but a better version of myself. An ideal version of myself is really what I’m wanting. But when I see how far I am from it, it depresses me…

There’s a war waging inside of me. And the war is between what I ought to be and what I am. I try to live up to what I ought to be, but I fail time and time again. There are times when I do live up to it for a brief time period, but majority of the time, I fail. And the feeling of failure, misery, self-loathing hangs over me. What am I to do? O, the wretched man that I am!

“But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ.” Ephesian 2:4

This verse tells me that I cannot go on and on loathing myself. I am loathsome, yes! But I cannot focus on how loathsome I am. Rather, I am to focus on how beautiful and gracious God is. In spite of how I am, He loved me and gave Himself for me.

Now, I will see myself through the eyes of God – beloved, being perfected, and belonging to God!

Don’t wallow in your self-hating. Take your eyes off yourself and look to God. He is gracious. He will help you and me change.

PH