In so many of our arguments, simply trying to make the other person see our point of view breaks the relationship, which is the very thing we are trying to avoid. Stop and think about why we argue. Isn’t it so that the other person can understand and “see” where we are coming from? Don’t we usually argue with people we care about the most? But the tone and the spirit of the argument often drive the other person away rather than drawing him in.

This happens when we forget that the argument really shouldn’t be about the issue at hand but about the person. If we keep in mind that what we are trying to do is to win the person, then we wouldn’t be so vehement in trying to prove our point. For example, does it really matter who forgot to pick up the kids after school? You can argue with your spouse on who dropped the ball (or the child in this case), but you are both arguing because it matters to the both of you that your child is taken care of. So, if you are thinking about winning the person (your spouse) rather than winning the argument, then you’d be more focused on coming up with the solution rather than whose fault it was.

So often, in my own experience, when I remember in an argument that it is more important to win the person, the heat dissipates and the relationship gets restored. What matters is not how much you know but how much you care.

The pharisees were sticklers for rules. They wanted to win every argument. They didn’t care about the other person. Only about winning. This caused constant friction with Jesus. For example, when Jesus would heal on a Sabbath, they would accuse Him of breaking the law. Jesus cared about the people. The pharisees cared about being right, which in the end turned out to be wrong.

In human relationships, it is often when you lose you win.

PH